Ada : A fragile me

.:Assalamualaikum:.

 

I don't but somehow I need somewhere to release my burdensome feeling. It makes me suffocated so much when everything wouldn't work properly. I may perfect handling overload works but still for burdensome feeling I am surrender and lastly I overcome it with  sleep overload. I know something happened to me when I choose to sleep all days. 

I am a person who not really open for people especially stranger that I triggered. I just knew that in these several years.  For me people meet for a reason. If there is no reason, then I am not in at all. Either you are my company or no one.  I tend to ignore surrounding if there was no chemistry between us. Not because I am cruel but just because I don't want me or you to get hurt  in other day.

I learn about myself so much before since I tend to distance myself from people. At first I thought I am weird one. But after self learning I understand, I do it just because I naturally trying to protect myself from getting hurt.

There are so many reasons why I not allow myself to meet new people,especially .

Because it cost me a lot when come the cure would phase.

So I met people. I put a boundary and limitation. So, at the end no one can get hurt.
Either you or me.

 

I am friendly. Yeah I know.

I am also cheerful.
Happy go lucky, someone has said to me.

People keep telling me that too.

That's why I knew.
And I was happy to up light the surrounding.
But still even I gave happiness to them I am still a loner.
A loner that try to cheer up the world.
Maybe start with a wonderful smile , I thought at least.

But then,

Once the nice me was being abused, mentally. Just because I was nice, some getting wrong idea and used me. Maybe my bad because thought others just like me. Sincerely give hands when needed. I was happily helping then. And until I found myself get so much wounds. I finally understand.

Just because I understand, I had no intention to revenge for what some did to me since it was really hurt inside. But I try to limit myself from getting involved with people. The people I can't stand. The people that hurt me so much. It was not escape road, but it was a process to grow up, I think.

As I took me long time to realize what people did to me, I also need to a very long time to get heal from deep wound. In the time of healing process, I found a bunch of people who allow me to not think skeptical about people. The people who I fonder because of their random behaviors. They never mistook me. They just kind and happening too. And I am happy to be side by side with them even they are younger than me. We understand each other even we not telling that to each other. I think.

And then after a long healing process I guess I am  strong enough to be extroverted me. The past me before getting abused by people. The me that always wear a smile to people. I hope so. With the courage that I cannot be a loner forever, I step out from my comfort zone. To finding somebody that can touch my fragile soul.

That took all of my courage to visible in crowds. I met some new people too. To prove for some people that I am trying my best to not being alone. Yeah.. at least when they say I don't go out to meet people. And I just understand that either me or people. It just hard to please when we were not meant to be. 

First impression is important to me. The way people talk, the way people behave, the way they response all I understand.

and to be truth, I am INFJ after all.

"For all I understand, I understand because I 💓"